Honestly....

I've always considered myself to be an honest person. I don't lie. For a lot of reasons really, not the least of which is that I suck at it. The guilt I feel at telling even the smallest lie makes me feel like I'm going to be violently ill the second the words are out of my mouth. But at the same time, I lie every day, a lot, and so do you.

We don't have to say anything to lie. We can lie with smiles when we are angry or frustrated. We lie every time there is something that we don't say in a conversation. Think about the last person you talked to, play that conversation back in your mind, how many extra little things can you come up with that you wanted to tell that person? Often it is these little things that we don't say that do the most damage. We don't tell each other the whole truth, and lying through omission is still lying.

This is where the premise of Radical Honesty comes into play. I first heard about this in an early episode of Fox's amazing drama series Lie To Me. This series is about an organization that makes a living studying people's faces to see if they are lying. Most of the main cast, because of their experience detecting lies, can lie spectacularly themselves. Only one character, Eli Loker, doesn't lie. He practices what is known as Radical Honesty, saying what he is thinking at all times, leaving his motives and opinions in the open where everyone can see them. This makes him look like a bit of a jerk, because let's face it, most people only want to hear the good things.

What RH means, in practice is that you tell people how you really feel about them, good and bad. You need to sit down and have an honest conversation, tell the person what hurts, what makes you angry, what you might even resent them for, and what you like. The false impressions that we have of each other and of ourselves, created by all the things that we never say, and that we never hear because no one says it, leaves us emotionally crippled. We are uncertain because we want to be liked, or revered, or respected, when that is not always the case.

I have been toying with the idea of using RH, full time, and had considered the idea of making New Years the deadline for it. What I decided to do instead was back off just a little bit, and talk to the people I spent a lot of time with, either in person, or chatting online. What I discovered was that a lot of people seemed a little bit nervous. No one really wants to hear that you resent them for anything, and yes, I do have my resentments. Eventually what I wound up doing was doing a trial run with a friend from high school. We talked for a long while, and I said what I thought and I felt, no sugar coating, no cushioning, and then I got him to do the same.

Some of the things that were said seemed like something out of a bad arguement, the kinds of things you can scream at the other person, then go "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," when really, you did mean it, you really, really meant it. At the end of a conversation I had feared might completely destroy the tentative friendship I have always had with a person that I didn't have a lot in common with turned out to be one of the most freeing things I have ever done. My good friend, by the time we were both done, thanked me and said it had been a great talk. We knew where we stood, where we really stood, no BS. I left that conversation feeling like I was floating.

What I had thought would be torture really turned out to be more like the scene in Liar Liar where Jim Carey has to go into the board room and tell the boss what he really thinks about him. This turns into him going around the room, letting everyone know what he really thinks about him. As that scene progresses, Jim's character gets more and more energized: He can tell the truth, and not catch any crap for it. I think in real life, that's just about how it works.

I've decided to open my concept of RH for a trial period. Those of you who want to know what goes on behind the closed doors of my mind, and/or have something you want to get off your chest, let's dance. I've always believed that I can't fix something that is wrong if I don't know about it, so if something needs to be fixed between us, then lets fix it together.

Lisa